Ladies and gentlemen, frauleins und herrs, superman fans (ick!) and batman fans (yay!) - this is your long gone bad example speaking. Lend me your ears! (Or money, yeah... money'd be better... lend me your money!)
So first thing first - I've been gone for a craplong of time. I've been gone for so long that sickos are probably jerking off my picture on a milk carton as we speak. I was like Ned Stark in game of thrones, or any shred of talent in DC movie universe. Missing!
So where was I you probably ponder. Was I stranded on a remote island where I was taught the ancient art of bow-fu bty an old chinese dude whose daughter I later banged? Did I go on a grand adventure to find the Ark of the Covenant before Angela Merkel? Or maybe I was in a mental hospital chewing my fingers as I anxiously wait for the Witcher 3 to come out?
Unfortunately for my coolness factor, that's a big no to all of the above.
If you read my previous blog, you probably know that my previous problem was self management. I had troubles forcing myself to do things (like working on a comic page for example), so instead I just sat there and did nothing. Well, this is the follow-up.
After I wrote that blog I drew a page, several even, and then I hit a wall. Seriously, it was like a fucking writers block on steroids. You see - there are several steps to creating a comic page (writing, planning, drawing, inking and then coloring)... and it seemed that I suddenly sucked at each and every one of them. I drew the same page again and again and again... and much like having sex with a vacuum cleaner during a power outage - nothing good came out of it. (Seriously, it's just not the same without the suction).
Now, I think it's the most basic of psychology that constant repeating failures lead to frustration. Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to cookies, and ice cream, and fast food. Tons and tons of fast food. (I'm kinda on a diet now... but nevermind that.)
And so my efforts to do better were flushed down the crapper by my self pity and loathing, comforted only by the sweet milky taste of cheese-cake flavored ice cream. Now I wouldn't say that I sunk to a depression, but I swear... I was THIS close!
To escape my constant thoughts of failing I did my best to disconnect from reality. I slept alot, watched countless hours of crappy television and played Diablo 3 until I collapsed. (Damn you Blizzard, damn you all to hell!) If I'd spend the time I wasted on nothing on something useful... well... that'd be useful, wouldn't it? Heh... right.
But ofcourse, that didn't happen.
I won't repeat my last blog but pretty much the same deterioration of my condition happened all over again. I shut out from the world and merely... existed.
I think that the one thing that got me out was my girlfriend. I'd love to say that she was supporting and understanding and quietly nursed me back to mental health using lots and lots of sex but... uhm... no.
At some point she got tired of me being a dumbass, noticed me that she is, in fact, hot (she really is, and I have pictures to prove it!) and that she deserved better than this. And until I wouldn't get any better, I wouldn't get any. And I have needs damn it!
I think I held on for like two weeks before I was forced to make a change.
I began doing things, getting out more, slacking off less, and with time I got back to drawing. Eventually my drawings turned back to my comics and suddenly... I tried once again to draw a page. Needless to say, I failed.
And failed, and failed again... however, this time it was different. I don't know why but I began to notice what exactly I did wrong and actively tried to fix it. Slowly but surely I was fixing all of my previous mistakes and becoming better.
Finally I reached a point where I felt that I was ready. I sat down, drew, traced, colored - the whole shabang - and in the end had a finished product that I finally felt was good enough to upload. Then I was back making bad example comics.
Ofcourse I couldn't just come back without an explanation, thus I wrote this blog. Wasn't easy, I admit... but hey... it's like picking up a woman in a bar. Sure, you just might be kicked in the balls but do it for enough time and you will get a satisfying result. (Or just get used to being kicked in the balls... but... that's another matter all together.)
After all the soul searching and sitting home and whining like a little girl, I guess I needed this experience to come back up stronger and better. Like batman after he got his ass handed to him by Bane, and hey... if it's good enough for Bruce Wayne, it's good enough for me!
So yeah, I'm not going to dissapear again. I believe I'm better than that (now), and that I finally know what to do and how to do it.
Hope you'll stick by, and check the site next week for the next page that is totally going to be there.